A really great friend said it best, "no matter how you try to guard yourself you want to give your parent the benefit of the doubt and deep inside the hope and expectation is alive and well and full and when it is crushed and damaged it hurts".
I feel let down. I set myself up for the possibility of it, but now that it's happened I am crushed nonetheless. I hate feeling like you lied. I hate feeling like I can't trust you. But my wall is up. And as much as you have chipped away at the very foundation of it and are slowly taking those stones down, just know that you will never have the satisfaction of me being 100% open to you and trusting of you. Unfortunately for you- 28 years of not being a father is working against you. For someone that is wanting to prove me wrong, you are not doing a good job.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
It's funny how life happens sometimes. You think you know how it will pan out. You take appropriate steps and measures to plan things to happen at certain times. You go to school to get a degree and land a good job. I look at where I am today and where I thought I would be. For the most part things are how I want them. I am happily married, have a decent home, have a good job (although not a secure one), I have my family close to me, and amazing friends. But I am not completely fulfilled. I know what is lacking and what steps I need to take to fulfill my desires, but yet I sit here knowing full well that I will put it off. Sometimes I get to a point where I fear the unknown. I don't like uncertainty. But as I type this I realize that without taking risks you will never reap the benefits. The things I strive for the most are making others happy, and making myself happy. I am great at short term happiness: buying clothes, makeup, lil shit here and there. Yet for some reason I continue to deny my long term happiness: my career, having children, pursuing things that I know I want but fear the reality of.