From raw to real..

So after a very long time of not going to church, Dale and I finally went this Sunday. I reacted in the manner I always do when I have been absent from experiencing the righteousness of God. I cried. I alwayyyyysss cry. I can't help it. I stood there as the words to the song displayed on the large screen and watched as everyone around me raised their hands to our Lord and Savior. With tear filled eyes I sang the song and felt my heart fill with the desire to be closer to God. The spiritual emptiness that I have been feeling was slightly fulfilled. I held my husbands hand and together we shared the moment of no longer feeling broken. We were just where we wanted to be. And so our spiritual journey begins, again. After the lesson, I left with the message that sometimes in life circumstances and things happen that are beyond our control. While we may not always see or know the reason for those trials and tribulations we need to keep faith that it is for something amazing. I think that is the hardest thing I struggle with personally is maintaining my faith. It's not that I stopped believing in God or anything along those lines. For me it was always just, why? Why is this happening to me? Why is my mom suffering? Why did so and so get sick? I question the things that take place in my life instead of embracing the lessons learned or good that came from the bad. So moving forward I will try to not question His motivation so much, and just go with the flow.

Meaning of Dreaming?

Dreams to me are so interesting. I often find myself pondering over the meaning of my dream or trying to find a message out of it. My friend often tells me that my dreams are very high anxiety, but really I am not anxious about anything. Stressed?!? Sure, I’m stressed. About the same thing that 90% of the world stresses about… money, work, family/friends well being, etc. So anyways, my dream last night was one of those ones that just kinda winds together through a whole bunch of stuff. I am not even sure how I remember parts of it, but somehow I do. I remember that Dale and I had bought a house with our friends Autumn & Dre, and we were all busy trying to get moved in. Unpacking boxes and just kinda trying to place stuff where it belonged. Then I remember I went out to the backyard and Dre was setting up the grill and Autumn was standing on the patio by the retaining wall. And I remember her saying that she was going to put her azaleas there and I was joking and telling her more power to her cause I hate gardening and stuff. I think there was some other stuff and then the dream skipped to my sister Michelle and I walking through the mall, trying to hide from her boyfriend because her boyfriend beat her up. I just kept telling her that she needed to leave him and her face was all bruised up and stuff and all she said was that she loved him. And there was a part where someone walked up to her that she hadn’t seen in awhile and they asked her what happened. I remember we were in the middle of the mall and there was this fountain thing and I could see the food court. Weird huh.

So I texted my sister this morning and she said she had a dream last night about me and Dale too. I guess that we were celebrating something and she was late cause her car broke down. Her and my nephew were running through a swamp and my nephew kept falling face down in the water so she had to carry him and they were really late.

Okay, so I looked up some dream interpretation stuff on www.dreamforth.com & also on www.dreamsleep.net and this is what I found. In reference to the part about my sister it says “To dream that someone else has been beaten indicates an imbalance in your existence.” Not quite sure what that means, LOL.

“To dream of a new house suggests taking on a new character and honing new strengths” and “To dream about friends suggests certain parts of your character that you have set aside and are now ready and willing to bring them back into your persona.” And the “flower is a symbol of the true spiritual self. Its symmetry and perfection shows how beautiful we really are.” So I found that part interesting considering lately I have been talking to Stacey and Autumn about going back to church and how I feel spiritually empty. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a bunch of hooplah and really means nothing, but its something that definitely intrigues me. Oh, and the dream my sister had said that, “To dream that you are walking through a swampy area warns of an upcoming hardship or obstacle. Unfavourable developments may occur in a relationship. Others will influence you negatively with their actions and words.”

2009 2 2010

What did you do in 2009 that you've never done before?
Lost 20 lbs.

Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I never really make any, but always in my mind think about losing weight. Ugh

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Oh hell, i don't think so. That's terrible i can't even remember.

Did anyone close to you die?
Yes :( I lost my little (foster) brother to a tragic accident and then Dale's Gramma passed away.

What countries did you visit?
None unfortunately although i still want to go to Hawaii. I am determined.

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Definitely more money.

What dates in 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Ummm, New Year's because my friend got engaged. And then in March she got married.

Feb. 6th when Angel passed away

Sept. 6th when the homies Autumn & Dre got married

Nov. 22nd when Gramma Anita passed away

Jul. 11th, 2 years of my miscarriage

Aug. 16th, my lil sister got married

Nov. 25th, attended a funeral on my bday :(


What was your biggest acheivement of the year?
Giving up a bad habit

What was your biggest failure?
not being serious about my weight and getting into shape as much as i should have been

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I can't remember if it was last year or the year before but i had bronchitis and then had my wisdom teeth pulled, lots of dental stuff, and then a terrible cold. Oh, and found out i had PCOS. Lovely year.

What was the best thing you bought?
I'm gonna say clothes since it makes me feel good and i can't really think of anything else at the moment.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Definitely my husband! His accomplishments with work and going to school full time, maintaining a high GPA and getting ordained. That man is a blessing to me and everyone around him that has the pleasure to be in his inner circle. HA

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Honestly, sometimes my own, but also my sister Michelle.

Where did most of your money go?
To food, bills, the house, the same places my money always goes. Oh and makeup of course.

What did you get really excited about?
I got really excited about the visits with my friends. Autumn came out, Malissa came out, we went to WA and then Autumn & Dre came for New Years.

What song will always remind you of 2009?



Compared to this time last year are you:
-happier or sadder? happier i suppose
-thinner or fatter? thinner i think by a few pounds
-richer or poorer? poorer for sure.... too many of our bills increased payments BOO

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Wish i went to church more. My heart is lacking something spiritual.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Talk shit

How did you spend Christmas?
The only way I would have wanted it... with my family and trus.

Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yes, just a little more each year, with the same person.

What was your favorite TV program?
Anything drama filled, but definitely The Hills and The City are tops of that list.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word. And no, I don't.

What was the best book that you read?
The Shack, very much made me think and appreciate God

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Besides that i couldn't sing? LOL I had no real revelations when it comes to music.

What did you want and get?
A relationship with my father

What did you want and not get?
A relationship with my father... lol

What was your favorite film of this year?
The Ugly Truth

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 29 years young, and celebrated the life of Anita Depew in Ohio with Dale's family.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A big fat raise, and no people I loved dying, oh and if i coulda had a baby or at least gotten pregnant that woulda been great. I know that's 3 but this is my damn blog.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
I would describe as something completely varied. From knee high boots and capris with a cute shirt, to sleep wear, to Cowboys apparrel to jeans and a hoodie. I like being eclectic.

What kept you sane?
The invaluable friendships and conversations with my best friends and husband. Without them I would not be who I am.

What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
First of all who the hell uses the word "fancy"... I still am crushing after Will Smith. Same as always so no big surprise here.

What political issue stirred you the most?
I truthfully can say that the presidential election stirred up some serious feelings for me. Both good and bad.

Who did you miss?
My mom when she moved to NC. That was the worst 3 months ever.

Who was the best new person you met?
I meet new people all the time so it's hard for me to decipher just one person who had the biggest impact.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?
Oh wow where to start. I learned that people truly have no rights and the Colorado foster care system is a bunch of crock. Our justice system lacks something to be desired and that no matter how much "faith" you have a person can only tolerate so much before they break down. While I would like to think that love and family conquers all, that is unfortunately not the case. I could make a whole damn blog just about this.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
Jesus Pete, i don't be memorizing songs like Autumn. Shheesh.

Lazy SOB's

I can't stand lazy people. You know the ones I'm talking about... the ones that walk around with the attitude that everything is someone elses responsibility. The people that feel like they have somehow earned the right to not assist in the daily functions of the workplace, because surely the tasks that need completed are in someone else's job responsibilities or possibly demeaning for them. The same people that have a sense of entitlement. The ones that put their cups in the sink instead of actually opening the dishwasher and putting their shit away. The ones that walk by a fax machine or printer and take the last paper without refilling it. Do you really have something that much more important than the next person? No.. your ass doesn't. I get irritated so easily by lazy people. Call me insensitive or whatever, but if you are standing on the side of a highway asking for change... you're lazy. Go put in some damn applications somewhere. Quit looking for a handout. Don't get me wrong, being lazy sometimes is a good thing. But day after day after day, the same people do the same things, and I am calling your lazy asses out. Just not so publicly.

Time will tell...

A really great friend said it best, "no matter how you try to guard yourself you want to give your parent the benefit of the doubt and deep inside the hope and expectation is alive and well and full and when it is crushed and damaged it hurts".

I feel let down. I set myself up for the possibility of it, but now that it's happened I am crushed nonetheless. I hate feeling like you lied. I hate feeling like I can't trust you. But my wall is up. And as much as you have chipped away at the very foundation of it and are slowly taking those stones down, just know that you will never have the satisfaction of me being 100% open to you and trusting of you. Unfortunately for you- 28 years of not being a father is working against you. For someone that is wanting to prove me wrong, you are not doing a good job.

Life's happenings...

It's funny how life happens sometimes. You think you know how it will pan out. You take appropriate steps and measures to plan things to happen at certain times. You go to school to get a degree and land a good job. I look at where I am today and where I thought I would be. For the most part things are how I want them. I am happily married, have a decent home, have a good job (although not a secure one), I have my family close to me, and amazing friends. But I am not completely fulfilled. I know what is lacking and what steps I need to take to fulfill my desires, but yet I sit here knowing full well that I will put it off. Sometimes I get to a point where I fear the unknown. I don't like uncertainty. But as I type this I realize that without taking risks you will never reap the benefits. The things I strive for the most are making others happy, and making myself happy. I am great at short term happiness: buying clothes, makeup, lil shit here and there. Yet for some reason I continue to deny my long term happiness: my career, having children, pursuing things that I know I want but fear the reality of.

I don't like...

Not giving people credit where it’s due
Bad drivers
Stank breath, ass, and/or feet
Nasty tastes
Insincerity
Never having enough money
Pain
Obesity
Flat soda
Waking up before I have to
Feeling lost
Fake people
Clothes that don’t fit
Hurting someone’s feeling
Losing a loved one


Obviously this list is not all inclusive. To the one person guilty of the first thing I don’t like… stop taking other peoples ideas and using them as your own. It’s no wonder you’ve been employed as long as you have when you reap the benefits of someone else’s hard work. Don’t get me wrong, you are a great guy, and you are knowledgeable and smart about what you do. I just think you are a little of an over exaggerator. So stop it.

All you bad drivers- learn to fucking drive. If you are not at least going the speed limit and are in the far left lane, prepare to get your ass tailgated by me.

Stanky anything- suck a freaking mint, or wash your ass or scrub your feet.

Feeling lost- God this is directly to you. Help me out here.

Fake people- learn to get real.